locked out!

The login to blogger.com suddenly didn't happen automatically. So it took some doing to figure out how to log back in to leave more scintillating details of my sedentary days.

This weekend I had a bit of doubt and worry again. I read some blogs by women who are pregnant after infertility and was reassured that I am relatively normal. A lot of bloggers have covered this - and probably more eloquently than I could. But I must say, for those who have not read any of these - infertility doesn't stop being difficult with a positive test. Because should we lose this pregnancy, we of course know that it wouldn't necessarily be easy to get pregnant again. So we worry, and have trouble looking too far into the future.

I have moments when I feel almost normal in my excitement, but then I am forced to sit home all day and it's hard not to notice what your uterus is up to under those circumstances.

I realized today that the reason that I am not more relaxed being so close to my first big goal of 24 weeks is that each day leading up to it is so vital now to finally having what we longed for and worked toward for 4 years - and that losing out would probably mean the end of the infertility saga for us. Well, that's a lot of pressure on 2 little weeks isn't it?

I just told my mother-in-law all this. She has reason to understand my sense of worry and, at times, panic. So we talked about this- the knowledge of what it's like to live that moment when you realize something really is going wrong. That you are probably going to lose this pregnancy. And then you never forget the moment just before it you knew. That last moment of thinking all was well. So in subsequent pregnancies each moment that all is going well one has to wonder - is this that last moment before I find out something terrible is happening?

So I've put it out there and I am trying to reframe it into a non-negative. The stats help me because I'm an irrepressible nerd.

Days to 24 weeks: 12
Days until I can say I'm "practically 24 weeks": 9
Days until I'm in single-digit days: 2!
Days until my fetal fibronectin test: 10

Hmmm... 2 days doesn't seem so bad. I'll shoot for that one.